I stepped back from the door, my stomach churning and breathing rapid. I had never felt these kinds of feelings before and I didnt understand what was going on with me. I felt completely powerless, and eventually I could not take watching this anymore.
Silently, I made my way back to my room and got into bed, the racecar designs on my bedsheets reminding me how childish I was compared to seventeen year old Tony. It was so unfair that he had a car and could take my sister wherever he wanted while I was stuck playing with hot wheels. It was unfair that Tony had already had his growth spurt while I was still a pipsqueak without a single body hair. How was I suppose to compete with that?!
As I lay in bed, I had to cover my ears with my hands to try to block out the sound of my sister’s giggling coming from the other room. Even after having drowned out the sounds, I could still picture what was going on in my sisters room. It started off slowly at first, then went so quickly, and so intensely, especially when the bed started rocking and I could hear what sounded like my sister stifling her own screams with a pillow.
The fact that my sister was having sex with another boy hurt, but as I continued to listen, it also felt…good. I was conflicted by my feelings for my sister and my desire to be with her, and my desire for her to be happy, no matter what.
And right then, as I laid my head on my pillow and closed my eyes, I listened to what sounded like Veronica reaching her climax, and I pictured her face with vivid detail, imagining her moaning mouth forming into a smile as she turns to look at me. It made me feel weird, my stomach turned and I felt a drowsy dizziness, but in my head all I could picture her saying as I drifted into sleep was,
“Thanks for knowing your place little brother..”
