I’m nearly 16 and practically a grown man and I threw a Lolli Pop mixer, so what? And it back fires on me, so what?
Hello there, I’m Bobby, I’m 15, but I promise you that I’m almost 16, you know, practically a grown man age and the eldest of my friends, Mark and Fred, who are both 15 as well. Wait, I don’t like how the eldest sounds, so, hey there, I’m Bobby and I’m the grown man nerd of the crew.
And as a side under foot back note, I mean, we’re men, so there are women involved in my story because that’s what men want! And by women, I mean, my sister, Terri, is who forever 14, her friend, Shelia, who is impossible for being 14, but makes my lower lip quiver and another friend, Pippa, who is way too skinny for being 14, so yeah, that’s right, I worked it out where all of three of us nerd men had movie dates!
And by the way, folks, my friends and myself may or may not have been running behind schedule in the dating department, but only because we were off being baby men elsewhere! And by another way, my good people, I’m the only one you should listen to during this story because it only seems like my little sister knows more stuff than I do.[The little sister, Terri, sits in the comfy arm chair flipping through the pages of her teen magazine]“Oh, there you are, Terri, um, listen, we talk more than we fight, so, um, um, you know, um, has your friend, Shelia, said anything lately? I mean, you know, in general and all, so, um, what’s the status on that because I’m having a couple of the guys over tonight, so, um, huh?”
“[Page flip, page flip] do you mean has Shelia said anything about when [page flip] you put your hands on her and then she put hands back on you and then [page flip] there were hands everywhere for a couple of minutes in the kitchen last weekend? Not really, big bro [page flip, page flip] Bobby, so?”
“Oh, I mean, because I mean, um, it wasn’t exactly like that, sis because um, it was different than that, so, um, um…”
“[Page flip, page flip] I’m better at social media than you are, big bro and I know some stuff and I know what sex is and I know how sexy things get [page flip] started, so stop with the [page flip, page flip] um, um, um and ask what you want to ask, so? And I’m being polite since Shelia is 14 now, so?”
“Well, you are better than I am with social media, but, um, um, how do you know so much about how it works in the real…”
“[Page flip, page flip] because I’m small enough to sneak around the house undetected because I know what sex is and I know when mom and dad are trying to have sex [page flip, page flip] and I know what jacking off is and I know when you’re jacking off! And I don’t [page flip, page flip] need to sneak around to know that because I have a timer set on [page flip, page flip] on my phone for that because, ewe, ick, ewe, you do that like all the time, big bro! But I’ve learned from social media that 15 years old boys do that a lot, tee he, like a whole lot, so, you’re in the clear for that.”[Ding, ping, ding, ping!]“LOL [page flip, page flip], you’re late for your early afternoon hand session, Bobby!”
Folks, I mean, I already said that I’m the only one that you should listen to during this story because my little sister, Terri doesn’t know jack! But, um, I’ll be right back in about 15 minutes.[Elevator music, page flip, fap, fap, elevator music, page flip, fap, fap and on and on until argh!]“[Wheeze] where were we then, sis, huh?”
“[Page flip, page flip] we were discussing about how you want a hook up with my friend, Shelia and then you were thinking about Shelia’s booty and then [page flip, page flip] you came back into the living room wheezing [page flip, page flip], big bro, so?”
“Well, is it the end of the world, Terri, huh?”
“[Page flip, page flip] overlooking Shelia’s impossible body at 14 [page flip, page flip], it’s not the end of the world. It will be the end of [page flip, page flip] your world if her daddy finds out that you want to hook up with her, but my eyes will be covered [page flip, page flip] with spread fingers, so?”
Well, my little Lolli Pop interest, Shelia does have an impossible body for being 14, not that I pay it all that much attention since you know, I’m practically a grown man as I zero in on 16 and all, so.
“[Page flip, page flip] Bobby, has your friend, Mark, ever referred to me as a Lolli Pop, hmm?”
“Oh, I mean, Terri, you’re under 17, so, you’re an automatic Lolli Pop, so, of course Mark has said that because, you know, we’re men and we talk locker room stuff, like all the time, so?”[The teen magazine page flipping pauses for an outburst of laughter and giggling over the statement of “we’re men and we talk locker room stuff” because, well, read on]“[Page flip, page flip] ahh (sighs), that was funny, Mr. Man! Anyways, are we proposing a movie watch triple date for tonight since it’s Saturday when mom and dad go to the Line Dance Club for double couple’s [page flip, page flip] night, hmm? Or do you and, LOL, the menfolk plan on playing with your own game controllers all night, hmm?”
“Oh, I mean, I mean, um, a triple date movie watch evening is exactly what we menfolk were thinking, but, um, um, this has actually been too easy, Terri, so what’s the catch? And I already expect that catch might be plural, so?”
“[Page flip, page flip] no catch, Bobby, other than Mark gets a Red Lolli Pop movie date of his dreams and you say nothing about it, ever, ever, ever [page flip, page flip], so?”
“Just what social media do you use, Terri because…”
“[Page flip, page flip] and you will get the Pink Lolli Pop of your dreams, big bro!”
Um, excuse me for a moment, folks.[Elevator music, fap, fap, fap, fap, elevator music, fap, fap, fap, fap and on and on until argh, argh!]“[Wheeze] pink you say, huh, sis? And what about us because…”
“[Page flip, page flip] the first movie date is between PG-13 and TV-14, Bobby [page flip, page flip], so, I think that you and I will be okay, not that you’re off the hook of complimenting my outfit! Which I may or may not have previously planned out after Shelia told me everything, so?”
Well, dang it, but PG-13 to TV-14 is better than nothing and girlfriends need the support from their other girlfriends to smooth out the nerves, so, um, a triple movie date sounds okay. Right?
Oh, wait, I’m practically a man, so I meant to say damn it!
“Yeah, but, still Terri, just how much of a Red Lolli Pop will you be because I’ve seen how you prance around the house sometimes when mom and dad are out and ahem, I’m asking as the practically grown adult here, so?”
“[Page flip, drops magazine and grabs phone] should I text Shelia and cancel, Bobby, hmm?”
Blackmail! But sis and I will be okay. I hope. Because I’m practically a grown man and can handle it. Gulp.
“[Page flip, page flip] oops, my bad, big bro because I just thought of something else. We need a third boy, oops, I mean, a third baby man because Pippa has been crying about boys and since she lives just the street and she can walk here, I mean, we need [page flip, page flip] a third from your side, so?”
“Oh, I mean, I mean, Pippa then? What color Lolli Pop will Pippa be, huh? Other than a 14 years old toothpick, tee he.”
“[Page flip, page flip] well, that girl went goth back in the second grade, so, tee he, being a Lolli Pop won’t work for her, but I’ll promise your other friend, Freddy, the slickest and shiniest teeny tiny goth teeny ever! All complete with toothpick legs, which I might add, look different in a short, short, short skirt, so?”
More blackmail, I say! But Freddy, ugh, I mean, Fred would have a cow if he found that I stood in his way to have a, LOL, PG-13 to TV-14 movie watch date! Especially with Pippa, who is uniquely cute. And impossibly thin.
“[Page flip, page flip] and we’ll open up the rules of engagement to unlimited photos. Of course, so us girls can post our favorites on our social media to increase our popularity and of course, you near men can use said photos in the bathroom because we know what blue balls are too!”
Well, SOB! Social media is spreading information way too fast!
“Well, Terri, are you going to kiss Mark, I mean, make out with Mark because if things go my way, I mean, my plan is to ask Shelia to be my Lolli Pop girlfriend, um, behind her dad’s back, of course, so, um, what’s the status on that, hmm?”
“[Page flip, page flip] kissing falls between PG-13 and TV-14. It also falls in the none [page flip] of your business, big bro! But Shelia will probably kiss back, if you get the nerve to go that route. And tee he, Pippa will probably stab Freddy, but we’ll see what happens [page flip] tonight, so?”
LOL, I am so behind on knowing stuff! Except that as a man, I mean, that’s right, I already knew that kissing fell in between PG-13 and TV-14, so.
Anyways, here’s what happened next. First, Mark was a little skeptical since it was my little sister and all, but since we all live within two neighborhood streets of each other, he came over. And Freddy, ugh, I mean, Fred, LOL, he ran over since the conversation involved a girl. And you know what, Pippa is just teenager thin right now and will probably fill out just fine over the next couple of years. And she’s cute as get out, so, LOL, Fred huffed and puffed and wheezed his way over!
Well, what really happened next was that the ‘rents had to leave.
“Oh my, is my house going to be full of teenage boys tonight…”
“Mom!”
“OMG, you baby men just behave yourselves because your sister is having a couple of friends over as well and you guys just leave them alone to Terri’s bedroom, that’s all. And don’t wait up for us because the Line Dance Club is also having its own after party because it sucks getting old, so, ta, ta. Harold, get a move on before that old bitty, Carla Carleton, takes our favorite bar stools!”
“Oh, okay, um, hello boys, so, um, good talk and don’t wait up for us, so, bye.”
The ‘rents, right?
But it actually gave the three of us an extra chance to think because, OMG, what do we do next since this was really happening, right?
Well, I mean, we had to remember what to do because you know, we’re practically men and all and menfolk know everything there is to know about dating and sex! Gulp.
But luckily, tee he, all we had to was to wait in the living while, you know, our womenfolk did everything else. Also, don’t tell my little sister that I just said womenfolk because [slap!]Anyways, then huh, it started.[A sparkly Red Lolli Pop enters the living room from the hallway, all decked out in red with red lips and blown out hair and red shorts, tight little red shorts and red lips and dark eyes and more dark eyes and red cheeks and red bobby socks to get back at big bro Bobby and a red sparkly t-shirt and red lips and dark alluring eyes and a sun red smile!]“Hi, Mark.”
“Ter, Ter, Terri, bah, bah, bah…”[Cartoon popping eyes! But pops off a couple of photos]“Help me make the movie popcorn and soda drinks in the kitchen, Mark?”
“Bah, bah, bah…”
“And we can talk about when you’re going to get a car, Mark because we can’t get into a lot of Lolli Pop trouble without a car, Mark! But we can talk about in between lip smacks, so, follow me to the kitchen then, Mark????”[Men, grown men, follow like puppy dogs, right?]“Come on out, Pink Lolli Pop, Shelia, the living room is all yours.”[A shimmery Pink Lolli Pop enters the living room from the hallway all decked out in pink with pink lips and curled hair and pink shorts, tight little pink shorts and pink lips and dark lined eyes and more dark lined eyes and pink Rosy cheeks and pink bobby socks for no particular reason and a pink shimmery logo t-shirt and pink lips and dark alluring lined eyes and a pink bubblegum smile! And a bra! Pink Lolli Pop wears a real bra!]“Hi, Bobby.”
“Shelia, I mean, I mean [but manages a couple of photos], I mean, I mean…”
“May I sit down, Bobby?”
“Shelia, I mean, I mean, I mean…”
“First date stuff only tonight, Bobby, so?”
“Shelia, I mean, I mean, I mean…”
“Unless I steer the ship in a different direction, like towards TV-17 or something, so?”
“Shelia, I mean, I mean, I mean…”
“But no matter what, my real Lolli Pop stays unbroken.”
“Shelia, I mean, I mean, I mean…”
“For tonight anyways because I did have fun the other day and I did play back, so, what’s our movie for tonight, hmm, Bobby?”
I mean, scold me already because all I could do was to hand her my wallet.
“LOL, well, I suppose Quick & Angry 57 will do for tonight. Also, Bobby, I have plenty of lip gloss with me tonight, so, kissing is okay (but you need to get a car, Bobby!)”
Movie? What movie?
“Well, wait, Shelia, because, because, because I’m interested in you being my Lolli Pop girlfriend, so, can it be making out instead of just kissing, huh?”
“LOL, we’ll find out in just a moment because ahem, may I introduce our very own Goth Goddess, Pippa please! And take plenty of photos.”[Photo, photo, photo, photo, photo]So, snap! I mean, good for Fred![A dark angel, yet sparkly Black Lolli Pop, um, Goth Goddess enters the living room from the hallway, all decked out in black and purple and shiny stuff and with black lips and um, goth hair and a teeny tiny black and purple pleated skirt, a really teeny tiny skirt and black lips and super dark eyes and more super dark eyes and neutral cheeks and shiny black ankle boots with chain laces because that’s how goth’s do it and a laser black logo t-shirt and really black lips and very dark, dark, dark alluring eyes and somewhat prudish pucker lips!]“Hi, Freddy, do I look alright?”[Photo, photo, photo, photo]“Pip, Pip, Pippa, bah, bah, bah because I mean, because I mean, because I mean, bah, bah, bah…”
“LOL, I guess I have a movie date! But first things first because Bobby, does your macho daddy have a grinding wheel in the garage where I can sharpen my blade, hmm? With Freddy’s supervision, of course, hmm, all alone in the garage, where cars are parked, so?”
“Pip, Pip, Pippa, bah, bah, I mean, I mean, I mean, the door through the kitchen and I mean, Pippa, can you actually sit down in that…”[Smacked up side of the head]LOL, I stepped on Fred’s turf, right?[But before anyone else moved, those two from the kitchen emerged into the living room][Without popcorn or soda, we might add! And Terri was reapplying her lip gloss!]“Oh, I burnt the first popcorn, so, um, a 30 seconds triple couples kiss anyone? Guilt free?”[LOL, Terri jumped the start on the green flag with Mark! Who didn’t call foul][Mwah, ummah, mwah, smooch, lip smack, lip lock, mwah, ahh, grope, rub, mwah, oops, ahh, ahh]“Whew, well, I guess Mark and I will remake the popcorn then because whew, I’m a Lolli Pop now! Also, ahem, Pippa, you’re up, Goth Goddess!”[A slight hesitation, but just for a moment][Mwah, ummah, mwah, smooch, lip smack, lip lock, mwah, ahh, grope, rub, mwah, oops, ahh, ahh]“Holy nerd kiss, Freddy! I’ll go Lolli Pop fashion for you every other weekend if I’m your girlfriend!”[Well, Pippa probably meant every third weekend, so]Oh, and as for Shelia and myself, I mean, I’m a man and wasted no time back stepping us into the hallway for a bit of extra privacy! And to get out of sight of my little sister because, OMG, she was rating the kissing! And taking photos![Mwah, ummah, mwah, smooch, lip smack, lip lock, mwah, ahh, grope, rub, mwah, oops, ahh, ahh]“Whew, I guess I had better be your girlfriend after that, Bobby! But we had better not let my daddy find out about his because…”[Mwah, ummah, mwah, smooch, lip smack, lip lock, mwah, ahh, grope, rub, mwah, oops, ahh, ahh]Well, how better to shut someone up, right? But only when her daddy came up, so.
“Well then, Bobby, I see a little promise here, but listen, you have to get a car, Bobby because I can’t be a Lolli Pop who walks to her dates all the time, so?”
“But Shelia, but Shelia, but Shelia…”
“And you’re going to love my skin, which is more like a creamy Lolli Pop, so, get a car, Bobby!”
“Bah, bah, bah…”[Ding, ping]“Oops, it’s posting time! And don’t let your sister see this [finger poke, finger poke, poke].”
Well, fix it, right? Shelia created it, so, she should fix it, right?[Not this time carless Bobby because the three Lolli Pops, ugh, we mean, the two Lolli Pops and one Goth Goddess were sitting on the couch posting movie date selfies][Ping, Ur hot! Ding, where U at? Weep, yeah babies! Whoop, text me! Ding, we have cars!]“(Giggles, giggles, giggles)”
Oh, us three guys, yeah, not so much with the texting, which seemed like sexting, but whatever, since we were the dates, right?
“[Tap, scroll, tap, tap, scroll, tap, tap] Shelia, Pippa, there are so many hot guys tagging us back! Hot guys with cars!”
“[Tap, scroll, tap, tap, scroll, tap, tap] Terri, guys do that for hot selfies, like all the time, but we’re on dates, right?”
“[Tap, scroll, tap, tap, scroll, tap, tap] OMG, this guy’s SUV doesn’t even have or need a key! And he likes goth better than Lolli Pops!”
“Huddle up, ladies!”[Huddle, kiss and dry hump them until the pass out, huddle, guys can’t control it anyways, huddle, and make excuses tomorrow and blame it on them, huddle, ugh, we’re bad Lolli Pops, break!]“Guys, it’s intermission, which is exactly the same as major lip-smacking movie date time!”
Hah! Like us menfolk were going to make a mess and pass out from a little front humping and grinding and moaning and groping!
But at least Freddy went down first.
“[Mwah, smooch, grind] that’s it, Freddy, pass out over the goth girl of your dreams [plop]”
And of course, as the most man, I didn’t pass out next, so.
“[Smooch, lip smack, hump, grind] I can’t wait for our next date, Mark, so have a little nappy poo, baby [plop].”
I did not watch my sister do that! I promise it and I swear it! And that’s the truth. It’s also true that I could watch that since Shelia had me going down at the same time, but technically, I was the last to go.
“[Lip smack, grind, smooch, grind] um, this has been fun, Bobby and I’ll always remember you, tee he and your wet spot, but pass out for me sweetie [plop].”
Hah! We still won because we all three had (um, wet spots) and the girls were now dateless, so, hah! We won![Knock, knock, bang, bang goes the front door][And the front door just opens because the “grown men at 15 plus” forgot to lock the front door]“Terri? Where is my Red Lolli Pop, huh? Because I need my Red Lolli Pop in my running car and I’ll gladly explain to your parents that I’m just 17 and not too old for you! Terri? Where are you because I need my Cherry Red Lolli Pop? Terri?”
“OMG, here, Jake, I’m here, Jake! With a passed-out movie date and his wet spot is because he spilled movie date soda on himself, but I have been waiting for a rescue, Jake! Especially in your running car, Jake, which I’m Cherry Red Lolli Pop ready to make a beeline for because I want to Lolli Pop it up with you, Jake, so, I’m here, Jake!”[Vroom, smooch, vroom, smooch, vroom away]Well, snap! I’ll have to cover for her later by tossing the rope fire escape ladder out of her bedroom window, but I’ll worry about that after I wake up from being passed out, I guess.[Bang, bang, bang, open the door! Oh, it’s still unlocked.]“Shelia? Where is my Pink Lolli Pop girlfriend, huh? Because my side seat needs a Pink Lolli Pop in it and I already texted your momma at the Line Dance Club and told her that I’m just 17 and not too old for you, baby! I also told her that I knew she has been side cheating, so, Shelia? Where are you because I need my Pretty Pink Lolli Pop right now? Shelia?”
“Brad? I’m here, baby, with a passed-out movie date and his wet spot is only because he spilled movie date soda on himself, but I’m here for you, Brad and I promise you that your side seat will be pleasantly pretty and pink and I’m already halfway to sitting in the side seat of your running truck, Brad! And I won’t even yell at you for taking so long to find me, Brad!”[Vroom, smooch, vroom, smooch, vroom away][Kaboom, why is there even a front door, huh?][The front door is just swinging in the breeze now]“Pippa? Where is my Goth Goddess girlfriend, huh? And I better not hear anything about you eating sugar movie snacks, Pippa, because you’re my angel of the night toothpick! Pippa? I’m ready to face off with your ‘rents, Pippa, since I’m just 17 and because we are a perfect match! Pippa? Pippa?”
“OMFG, Snake Pit? I’m here, Snake Pit, with a passed-out movie date and his wet spot is only because he spilled movie soda on himself, but I knew you would eventually seek me out with your running SUV with the tinted windows and that’s why my skirt is so short tonight, Snake Pit because I knew you would find your skinny angel of the night girlfriend and that’s me, Snake Pit, that’s me!”[Vroom, smooch, vroom, smooch, vroom away]Well, never said anywhere above in my story that it was going to work out in my favor, so.[The front door is literally just barely hanging on by the hinges]“Ahem, is this what you call a Lolli Pop party, Bobby? You do realize that Lolli Pop means girls and all we see are three sloppy passed out nerds on the floor of a house void of girls! We don’t want anything to do with a circle session, so, East Lolli Pop Squad, out!”
“[Grump, mumble, wake up guys!] Trina, Trina, Trina, wait, I mean, I mean, hey, wait a minute, the three of you are weak Lolli Pops! And I’m a man, so I can say that!”
“Oh, well, we saw the postings on social media late and it took my dad longer to crack pass out then I expected, so, are saying that you would like Andi, Lys and myself to leave and walk back home, hmm, man? And by the way, man, we’re 14 and two months, 14 and three months and 14 and five months, so? Also, ewe, ick, ewe, with your pants! We’re out!”
“Wait, wait, wait, Trina, it’s movie soda and that’s all, so, um, we need a raincheck because we love you and we want to marry the three of you, so?”
“Hmph! Do any of you even own a car because…”[And the front door is just laying in the front yard now]“Knock, knock, does anyone need a ride home because I borrowed my mom’s soccer mom mini van for the night and I have Gino and Randy waiting outside, so? Also, Bobby, you and your nerd friends are a disgrace to the men of mankind! Cover that up, fool! Also, also, Trina, I’m 17 next week, so?”
“Then I’m your Yellow Lolli Pop girlfriend this week then, Sammy!”
“And, and, and, Gino can have a Black Cherry Lolli Pop girlfriend tonight, I mean, if he wants, so?”
“Well, don’t leave me out because if Randy cares for a Raspberry Lolli Pop girlfriend, then he’s going to love me!”[Vroom, smooch, smooch, smooch, vroom goes the soccer minivan]Well, since the front door was a swinging door, I mean, there’s always another chance, right?
“Oh, my word! [Hic] Bobby, we’ll talk tomorrow about our front door is [hic] literally a yawn ornament, but for now [hic] get up and get to bed [hic]. And you two passed out teenagers, get…”
“Where’s dad, mom?”
“Hah! [Hic] passed out drunk in the bed already because [hic], that’s what limp dick old geezers do!”
And I’ll never ask that question ever again.
“Where’s your sweet and innocent sister and her friends, hmm, [hic], young man?”
“Oh, your precious little angel is fast asleep and probably having Lolli Pop dreams and, and, and, we spent our night going over the safety rules, so, um, that’s why the fire escape rope ladder is hanging out of her window, so?”
That girl owes me big time now!
“Well, good because you are a good boy [hic], I mean, baby man, but this is enough with teenaged boys laying passed out on my living room floor, so, get to bed and you two, um, (psst, my hubby has been wet noodle limp for a long time and I’ll turn a blind eye if you two want to [hic] take advantage of a drunk and horny woman, so, psst!)”
And I passed out again!
End Lolli Pop Fever 01
